Posts made in February, 2013

Reality Check

Posted by on Feb 21, 2013 in Blog | 0 comments

It feels like forever since I’ve written, and it’s because I’ve been BUSY. I mean, busier than usual–busy at work, at home and even socially (crazy, right?). I’d been wanting to blog about a dozen times about all of my little projects, but then I didn’t have good pictures and so I didn’t do anything. Not to worry, though: I’ll do some catching up shortly.

I feel like I’ve recently emerged from a fog or a flurry (or maybe a foggy flurry?) and suddenly saw all the chaos that has been going on in my life. And now I’ve finally steeled myself up enough to do something about it. As you may know, I have anxiety issues. They frequently lead to procrastination. Then I get all crazy OCD on stuff, become satisfied with what I’ve done, pat myself on the back, and then repeat the cycle. Now I’m trying to break the cycle. It’s not easy. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. I never really questioned it until recently. I guess I thought it was normal and that most people live this way. But now I realize that it’s a really crappy way to live, at least for me anyway. It makes everything more stressful. When I’m stressed, I’m irritable and I fight with my husband and get mad at my kids about little things. And then I don’t feel like doing anything and then I feel guilty for not having done anything. NO MORE! 

I have begun utilizing all sorts of things that have been at my disposal for a while now, and I’ve been doing it on a semi-regular basis. I’ve been keeping up with my dishes for the last week and even getting some laundry done. (Everything kind of went to hell during the holiday/post-holiday foggy flurry) And I have a new mantra: progress, not perfection. As long as I’m making some progress, I try not to get down on myself for not doing it perfectly or if I don’t get everything done that I wanted to.

photo

 

See? I made a to-do list of all my stuff with Astrid. Love it!

I’m still trying to find the balance between housework, family time, social time and me time. And all of those things are constantly in flux, so it’s just one of those things that must constantly be adjusted.

Is it weird that I’m just now realizing, and I mean really, fully comprehending, that nothing in life is ever really finished? It’s so strange to me that I am only now fully aware that there will never come a time to simply rest on my laurels. Life is a constant struggle. And really that’s a good thing. If we had nothing to do, nothing to struggle for, we’d all be bored to death.

I guess when I was younger I had this sort of vision of the future where I’d have a certain kind of life and my goal was to get there. I never really thought about what would happen once I was there. What I didn’t think about then was that the future is not a place; it’s always moving and always out of reach.

I say all this because I’ve realized that yes, I can lose weight; yes, I can organize my stuff; yes, I can make myself a schedule. But all of those things have to be maintained every day. I have to wake up each morning and make the decision again that I’m going to lose weight or stay organized or follow my schedule. And it’s hard. It’s hard to make that same decision every single day. It’s easy to read a story about someone else who’s done it and get really motivated for a day or a week or even a year, but the hard part comes when that initial excitement has waned. You have to keep reminding yourself of why you want it and make that decision again.

I’m not going to lie. It’s been difficult for me to keep to my diet. I’ve stopped wanting it as badly as I did before. I’ve got to keep reminding myself not to go back to the way I was before and not to let all my hard work go to waste. I’ve been pretty much eating whatever I want lately, and I’m starting to pay for it. Seeing that little bit of flab show up again has snapped me out of my denial again and I’m trying harder now. I think getting back to blogging is going to help keep me accountable, too.

Even though it’s hard right now, I’m hoping that, like most things, it will get easier over time. Maybe it will even become second-nature. We’ll see.

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